FEAR NO MORE

I’ve been meditating on this and feel led to share. Sharing a testimony is for others, not for ourselves. People need to know they aren’t going through things alone. The enemy likes to make us think we are alone and when he gets us alone, he can really mess with us.

December 21, 2009, when we found my dad in his front office, deceased, my adrenaline had kicked in so hard that I couldn’t even dial 9-1-1 on my large faced android phone. Literally, took me about five minutes to be able to dial the numbers I was shaking so bad from the adrenaline. I was so frustrated I eventually set the phone down on one of the work tables and used my right hand to steady my left hand enough to dial the numbers. Not sure how that worked since both hands were uncontrollably trembling.

Something happened to me that night because of the adrenaline rush. Something changed internally. I don’t really know how to explain it but I thought something was really wrong with me because I wasn’t, and couldn’t, cry. I couldn’t really feel anything, I had gone numb physically, emotionally and mentally. I didn’t cry the entire time we waited on police and ambulance to show up. I didn’t even cry as I watched them wheel him out on a gurney in a zipped up body bag. I just kept thinking over and over again, “What is wrong with me?”

A fear settled into me that I had never had before, little by little. I started noticing it when things would take place months after his passing. The following February I had a meltdown in my car driving home when snow hit and I was stuck on a hill with my wheels spinning. It came out of nowhere.

When the tornadoes came through on April 2011 and I drove through the tail end of one downtown, thinking my car was going to go rolling like a tumbleweed, the fear living inside of me gained strength.

I didn’t understand why this fear had taken hold of me and there aren’t words to describe what it was really like. Children of God aren’t supposed to live in fear and I prayed about this daily and begged God to take it from me over the last 8 years. I wasn’t a person who lived in fear prior to this. My husband knows however that this fear had changed me. If it was raining out, I wasn’t driving anywhere and if I did, it was nerve wracking and I was white knuckling the steering wheel the entire time. Didn’t even have to be storming, just raining.

It was never about the rain or the snow though. It was a fear that settled in the night my dad passed. I hated it. I didn’t want it. I was ashamed of it.

Earlier this summer, when we were headed to one of our first appointments for a baby check up, it was pouring rain sideways and some thunder and lightning…My husband asked me if I wanted him to drive. My response was, “No, why?”

Note that I typically drive when we go somewhere because I get severe car sickness, something else I’ve prayed about and still believing I will no longer have.

I realized however in that moment, the fear was gone. Completely gone. It no longer had a hold of me. I knew it wasn’t coming back either. For over seven years I had been living with an internal fear, had never talked to anyone besides God about it and continuously spoke scriptures over myself in defiance to the fear, and it had hindered me in many ways. In that moment, I was set free. Prayer, perseverance and the Word of God had conquered it.

One would think it would get worse carrying a child inside them and worrying about their safety but just like something clicked inside of me when that fear took hold, something clicked inside of me when I let it go. I knew right then, I would never have that again. It was gone.

I was thinking about this last night as I was driving to church when I left work. It was pouring, people driving crazy, water on the roads, glare on my windshield…and I started laughing.

 

Joshua 1:9

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

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GOD’S PLAN, NOT MINE

Sometimes we find ourselves in places that make no sense. I am there right now. I have been there for a while. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m going to start chasing rabbits or having tea with strange men in purple velvet suits and tall hats.

It’s hard to trust God when we don’t understand the situation. More so, it’s hard to trust Him when we can’t see the entire picture. He sees it but sometimes we barely see past the end of our own nose.

I constantly remind myself of the Israelites and the forty years they wandered in the desert. I remind myself of this because it helps to keep my attitude and my obedience in check. History is meant for us to learn from. We would be fools not to study it…

They would not have wandered as long as they did had they just trusted in God’s plan and submitted to it. There was a second factor that also played into their wandering. Their attitude.

I believe it was Zig Ziglar who said,

“It is your attitude, more than your aptitude, that will determine your altitude.”

How true it is. Attitude equals altitude is a more simple way to put it.

Being pregnant with a due date of March 2018, it has been shown to me through recent experiences that employers find their way around the law of not hiring someone who is pregnant with things such as job requirements of being able to lift over a certain weight and excuses like, “We hired someone more qualified.” No way to prove their discrimination in such instances unless they come out and say, “We aren’t hiring you because you are pregnant.”

This is why I trust God’s plan. I have obtained a seasonal part-time position and hopefully another part-time position this next week by employers who I have been up-front with, same as all the others, with my pregnancy. This tells me they are fair people and employers. I am thankful for this most of all.

They are however two positions that I would have never thought myself to be in. They are both new experiences and I have enjoyed the first so far. For the past 20 years I have worked in a professional office atmosphere. The seasonal part-time position is a retail position and although I am adjusting to the hours, I enjoy it. Being pregnant, I need something that is low stress and easy on my body. This fits the description. The second position I would be taking if offered, would be front desk office in a medical atmosphere. Taking phone calls and working with the public I can do in my sleep. I believe getting to wear scrubs is a bonus on that one.

So here I am, in the desert, unknown territory, and I can either be an Israelite or I can change history and keep a good attitude and know that I am right where God needs me.

I choose the latter. Today I sat in my car in my garage when I pulled in from work and some after work errands and shed some tears. I can’t say they were tears of sadness, frustration, anger or the opposite end of joy, happiness or delight. They were just tears as I prayed and talked to God. God already knows our hearts and I have no problem revealing mine to him anyways so He and I have some pretty candid conversations. Today’s was candid times ten. If anything, my tears were more out of thankfulness, relief and trust.

I told Him I didn’t completely understand where he had me and my husband in life right now and I know I can’t see the entire picture but regardless, I trust Him. I believe His Word and I believe the words that have been spoken over us the past couple of years not to mention the revelations and messages we have personally received in our prayer time while communing with the Holy Spirit.

God is not a liar. God is a God of His Word. He always comes through. He always provides. He always watches over His Word.

The enemy will try to make us think differently. The enemy will try and cause us to doubt. The enemy will try to take our focus off of God and onto the issue…

…and sometimes the enemy succeeds. But God.

But God.

Even when the enemy succeeds, God will send people or a Word into our life to get us back on track. That’s who Jesus is. He’s a Good Shepherd who keeps track of his flock and though one may stray, He will go and search for them and bring them back to safety.

If you have strayed, it’s okay. We all stray at different times no matter how much of the Word we know or how often we go to church. God knows how to take care of His people. Open your heart to His peace, His comfort, His protection and His guidance. Ask and receive. If you need direction, tell Him. If you need answers, ask Him. Whatever it is, He loves hearing our voices. Be candid. Talk to Him like you do your best friend. Be open with Him and build trust in your relationship with Him.

 

NOW AVAILABLE – NEW RELEASE

NOW AVAILABLE – NEW RELEASE

I am pleased to announce the release of my first poetry collection – Seasons: A Cluster of Poetry.

What is different about this poetry collection? I’ve included an explanation of the inspiration behind each poem. I’m always curious as to what inspires others so I decided to share mine.

There are 5 signed limited edition broadsides available through my Etsy store as well which are poems included in this collection.

 

PURCHASE THE BOOK HERE:

 

Enjoy!

Misty