FEAR

FEAR

On my walk yesterday I was listening to a message from Gary Keesee and in that message they briefly talked about fear.

As I was listening, the Holy Spirit dropped this into my spirit and I’ve been meditating on it ever since.

“Fear is the enemy’s form of faith.”

When I heard this, I asked for further explanation and of course it was given.

It’s often said that fear is the opposite of faith, which is true. But to better understand this and fight off fear, we have to understand fear is the enemy’s form of faith.

The enemy has a way of taking Godly things and twisting or perverting them just enough to capture a person who may not have their guard up, or in Biblical terms, have their armor of God on (Ephesians 6:10-18).

Fear is the opposite of faith. Worry is a form of fear. Thinking the worst of a situation is fear. Thinking negatively is a form of fear.

Fear is having faith that the “bad” thing will happen. This is the enemy’s form of faith.

Godly faith is KNOWING the Word and that all things work together for our good (for those who love the Lord -Romans 8:28).

The Word informs us “bad” things will happen to all of us but for those of us who love Him, He will turn that situation into something good. This is what we should always focus our faith on. Not in worry, not in the negative “what ifs”.

What if we started what if-ing positive outcomes? What if I am healed? What if that debt is paid off? What if that relationship is reconciled? Those kind of what if’s will lead us into Godly faith and KNOWING His promises.

Kingdom Business

SEEK what first above all else? The kingdom of God.

WHERE is the kingdom of God? Inside each of us.

WHAT is in the kingdom? Righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33 KJV

Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.
Luke 17:21 KJV

For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.
Romans 14:17 KJV

God’s love

I first gave my life to Christ around the age of 11. That simply meant I chose to believe what the Word says about who God is and who Jesus is. Shortly after, I made the decision to be baptized, an outward declaration to the world of the decision I had made to follow after God.

Then as a teenager, probably starting around age 14, and into my 20’s, I fell far away from any kind of Godly life. That’s a story for a different time.

I was 28 when I rededicated my life to Christ and God. Those that know the story of the prodigal son just make it the story of the prodigal daughter and that was me. For those that don’t know the story, it simply means I was tired of living and doing things my way (because it brought nothing but misery) so I told God I was ready to try things His way again and that I needed His help.

I just turned 40 this past February so I’ve been growing in my faith for 12 years now. I would never want to go back to how I was living in that “middle” part of my life but it has only been in the past six months or so that I have had a revelation in my relationship with God that I didn’t even realize I struggled with all these years.

I’ve always believed and known that Jesus loves me. I’ve never doubted that. God on the other hand, I’ve doubted quite a bit.

God knows every detail of our lives and if you knew every detail of mine, you would see how hard it’s been for me to accept that God truly, relentlessly, constantly, loves me.

I don’t know the exact moment it hit me that I was not fully persuaded that God loves me but it’s been something I’ve been meditating on for quite some time now.

Over the years I would listen to messages or read my Bible on God’s love and God IS love and for some reason, without realizing I was doing it, I would always tell myself, “He may love everyone but not me. Not like that. Not constantly.”

I had somehow convinced myself that God was always kind of upset with me and if He was always kind of upset with me, He didn’t always love me.

This is how I was living my Christian faith. The entire time as I served at my church, as I tithed faithfully, as I prayed in the Spirit, as I talked to others about how God loved them…

I didn’t believe it for myself. I couldn’t accept that God would or could love me. I let past shame, self disappointment and doubt over shadow God’s written Word.

This past week, something clicked. I’ve been working on accepting God’s love for me and working to see Him as the Word describes Him and not what the world says about Him. Not letting MY past or MY actions determine who HE is.

I’ve had to immerse myself in completely opening up to God and letting Him love me. I believe this may be partially the reason he sent us a son who is now 15 months. I have gained a deeper understanding of my relationship with my heavenly Father through the relationship that is building with my son.

God looks at me and smiles and I see it now. He rejoices over me. He wants the best for me. He is on my side. He fights for me, not against me. He is the same God to me that He is for you. Let Him love you.

Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

ANGRY WITH GOD

I’ve been angry with God. That’s right, angry with the Almighty. There’s no point in hiding it, He knows.

Well, at least I thought I was angry with Him.

1 Timothy 6:12 says:

Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.

I realized today I’ve been frustrated and angry with my own faith.

For a year and a half my husband and I have been believing God for certain things. I can’t go into detail about all of it right now but some of these things are simple things. Every door we thought would open for one thing in particular to come to pass has been slammed shut or nailed shut from the other side before we even arrived at it. It’s been frustrating. Just when we think the situation is about to change, it doesn’t. So we continue on in our faith and belief.

We continue to listen to sermons and read material to encourage our faith walk. We stand on scripture knowing what we have asked for is in line with God’s will. As days, weeks, months and the year and a half has gone by, things seem to have gotten worse.

Yesterday I broke. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was bitter. I was ready to give up and did. I was done. Finished. Towel in hand.

We can’t hide from God so I just let Him have it. I threw my temper tantrum, I questioned our situation based on HIS Word.

“God, we’ve been obedient! We’ve believed! We’ve done what you’ve asked us to do! Those things you asked us to do that we didn’t do, we repented and made right! We’ve prayed! We’ve waited! We’ve listened! Why are we being squeezed into nothing?! Why are you allowing this to happen?! Why?! Why is our situation getting worse and not better?! ”

Fight the good fight of faith. Faith is a fight. I don’t know what round I was in yesterday but I lost that one horribly. It was a KO.

We are in a non stop boxing match when it comes to faith. It’s OUR faith that makes us whole and moves mountains. The Word establishes the rules of the match, the Holy Spirit is our trainer, and God is the referee. Jesus, well, he’s in our corner wiping the blood off our faces and squirting water into our mouths and speaking the words of encouragement we need to hear because he’s already been through it.

Today I woke up and talked to God about yesterday (and the past year and a half).

“God, yesterday I was knocked out. I threw in the towel. I was done. I was spent. I was wore out. It was a silly laptop that pushed me over the edge but everything has been building and pushing me to my breaking point. Today, I’m renewing my mind. I’m continuing the fight. I was knocked out but I know according to your Word, who gets TKO’ed, and it’s not me.”

Faith is a fight. And where I felt defeated yesterday because the latest Windows 10 update destroyed my laptop and rendered it useless, the one tool I had to work on the manuscript God has called me write, the fight isn’t over. It wasn’t just about the laptop. It was about every little punch the enemy has hit us with over the past year. I was tired. I needed a break. I needed to lay in the middle of the ring and not move for a while. I needed time to recuperate.

Guess who came back up swinging? Guess who’s still in my corner? Guess who’s rules still apply? Guess who gets the Total Knock Out when all is said and done.

Keep fighting. Get back up. Swing. Don’t download the latest Windows 10 update.

Miracles Still Happen

I haven’t been writing much lately and I miss it. My time however has been consumed with the arrival of our son, Nicolas. He was born February 24th, healthy and whole.

I wasn’t supposed to be able to have kids. I was told in my early 20’s that it would be a miracle if I ever became pregnant. Well, at age 39, our miracle is currently snoozing in my arms.

I may have shared this before but eight years or so ago I had a dream that I walked into my doctor’s office wearing a green hospital gown and for the life of me, didn’t understand why I was wearing a hospital gown. The next thing I knew I was in one of the exam rooms and I was in labor.

Even in the dream I was confused as to how it was happening. Then, the doctor handed me a little blonde-haired, bright-eyed, healthy baby boy. As I looked down at him I heard a voice behind me say, “His name is Nicolas and I sent him.”

I woke up from that dream not knowing what to make of it. I thought maybe my husband and I would adopt one day and that’s what it was about. I held onto that dream in my heart all these years waiting to see exactly what God had in store and this past July when we realized I was pregnant, I knew exactly who I was carrying in my womb. Nicolas.

Dimples photography

He looks just as I remember him. He has blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

On my 38th birthday I made a promise to myself to be in my best health by the time I was 40. I’ve always tried to live a healthy lifestyle but had some health issues hindering my efforts. Through prayer I found and switched my way of eating to a Ketogenic lifestyle. When I did, all of those health issues dissappeared. Within two weeks my bloodwork was normal again and I felt like a new person. We’ve never looked back and keep moving forward. You can read about that journey here.

I had read that Keto helped many women with infertility issues but it never crossed my mind that it would be the same for me. I had it stuck in my head that I would never have kids and had accepted that a long time ago. However, my daily prayers over my health of being healed and whole…well, I was healed of everything and made completely whole. When God does something, He does it right.

He’s only 13 days old but I don’t know if I will ever not feel overwhelmed holding him…not just holding him but knowing I am holding a promise from God. I get to hold a promise that God showed me over eight years ago after believing for almost 20 years that it was impossible.

If God can do this, He can do anything. There are things I’m believing Him for right now that seem truly impossible but I’m reminded with each feeding, each diaper change, each cry, each smile, each coo, each look, that with God all things are possible.

Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.
Jeremiah 1:5 KJV

But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.
Matthew 19:26 KJV

FEAR NO MORE

I’ve been meditating on this and feel led to share. Sharing a testimony is for others, not for ourselves. People need to know they aren’t going through things alone. The enemy likes to make us think we are alone and when he gets us alone, he can really mess with us.

December 21, 2009, when we found my dad in his front office, deceased, my adrenaline had kicked in so hard that I couldn’t even dial 9-1-1 on my large faced android phone. Literally, took me about five minutes to be able to dial the numbers I was shaking so bad from the adrenaline. I was so frustrated I eventually set the phone down on one of the work tables and used my right hand to steady my left hand enough to dial the numbers. Not sure how that worked since both hands were uncontrollably trembling.

Something happened to me that night because of the adrenaline rush. Something changed internally. I don’t really know how to explain it but I thought something was really wrong with me because I wasn’t, and couldn’t, cry. I couldn’t really feel anything, I had gone numb physically, emotionally and mentally. I didn’t cry the entire time we waited on police and ambulance to show up. I didn’t even cry as I watched them wheel him out on a gurney in a zipped up body bag. I just kept thinking over and over again, “What is wrong with me?”

A fear settled into me that I had never had before, little by little. I started noticing it when things would take place months after his passing. The following February I had a meltdown in my car driving home when snow hit and I was stuck on a hill with my wheels spinning. It came out of nowhere.

When the tornadoes came through on April 2011 and I drove through the tail end of one downtown, thinking my car was going to go rolling like a tumbleweed, the fear living inside of me gained strength.

I didn’t understand why this fear had taken hold of me and there aren’t words to describe what it was really like. Children of God aren’t supposed to live in fear and I prayed about this daily and begged God to take it from me over the last 8 years. I wasn’t a person who lived in fear prior to this. My husband knows however that this fear had changed me. If it was raining out, I wasn’t driving anywhere and if I did, it was nerve wracking and I was white knuckling the steering wheel the entire time. Didn’t even have to be storming, just raining.

It was never about the rain or the snow though. It was a fear that settled in the night my dad passed. I hated it. I didn’t want it. I was ashamed of it.

Earlier this summer, when we were headed to one of our first appointments for a baby check up, it was pouring rain sideways and some thunder and lightning…My husband asked me if I wanted him to drive. My response was, “No, why?”

Note that I typically drive when we go somewhere because I get severe car sickness, something else I’ve prayed about and still believing I will no longer have.

I realized however in that moment, the fear was gone. Completely gone. It no longer had a hold of me. I knew it wasn’t coming back either. For over seven years I had been living with an internal fear, had never talked to anyone besides God about it and continuously spoke scriptures over myself in defiance to the fear, and it had hindered me in many ways. In that moment, I was set free. Prayer, perseverance and the Word of God had conquered it.

One would think it would get worse carrying a child inside them and worrying about their safety but just like something clicked inside of me when that fear took hold, something clicked inside of me when I let it go. I knew right then, I would never have that again. It was gone.

I was thinking about this last night as I was driving to church when I left work. It was pouring, people driving crazy, water on the roads, glare on my windshield…and I started laughing.

 

Joshua 1:9

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.