A few weeks ago I was driving to work and fear and doubt and worry were getting to me. It was announced at the end of January that our company was closing down. God had been preparing me for this. I knew it was coming before it happened but there have still been difficult days walking it out.
It’s been amazing watching what God does and how He works. That day, a few weeks ago, I had the local Christian radio station on. That alone was odd for me because I usually have music from my phone running through the Bluetooth.
This particular morning I decided to listen to the radio. I took my usual route which includes a back road that runs along the river and the golf course.
I only have about a five minute drive to work but if you knew my struggle with the inability of other drivers to follow general road rules, you would understand why I take the back road instead of the straight shot to the office. To top it off, it’s a pretty drive and makes me smile.
So there I was, 7:55 in the morning, fear and worry stressing me out already for the day. There was a song on that I didn’t recognize and really wasn’t paying much attention to until part of the lyrics caught my attention. It was a song by Ryan Stevenson called “Eye of the Storm” and the part that caught my attention…well…
I was praying (complaining) to God with my worry and fear and trying to make a game plan for worst case scenario doomsday type situation – I lose my job and never work again, they repo our cars and bill collectors are calling our phones non-stop but that’s okay because those are shut off too from not being able to make the monthly payment and we have no health insurance so we can’t even catch a cold but we will because our diet will consist of carb filled mechanically pulled apart foods that make us sick (we follow a ketogenic diet) and then…and then…and then…and then I was angry because of how foolish I was being and letting fear and worry get to me because I know better.
And then God slapped me in the face with these lyrics:
“When they let me go
and I just don’t know
How I’m gonna make ends meet
I did my best,
now I’m scared to death
That we might lose everything…”
The radio station cut out and a different one came on. I’m. Not. Kidding. It was a man’s voice and it had an old 50’s commercial sound to it. I looked at the digital display and it didn’t change, only the sound itself coming out of the speakers. I’ll get back to this in a moment.
The station went back to the regular radio station and the song was still playing:
“My only hope is to trust You
I trust you Lord…”
“In the eye of the storm
You remain in control
And in the middle of the war,
You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm”
I started laughing and crying and shouting all at the same time. God knew what I needed at that moment. I knew I was being irrational and I knew it was ridiculous to worry about such things and he reached down into that car and scooped me up and comforted me at the exact moment I needed it.
There’s so much more to this story that I wish I could share and in due time I will be able to. The fear and the worry stem from this: God has not released me to submit my resume anywhere yet.
Do you know how hard it is not to look for work when you know you need to look for work? When you have bills that occur monthly and need to be paid? When you know the position you are in is coming to an end and you have nothing lined up? When you are well able and you have seen positions that you are qualified for, that would pay well and when you think of submitting your resume, you hear God say, “No.”
I could have went ahead and secured another job. I could have done that last October when God told me this position was coming to an end. I could have done it back in January when it was announced our company was closing. But God said, “No,” each time. I will get to see what I would have missed out on when all is done and said because I’m listening to Him. I will get to look back and say, “If I had gone ahead and applied over here or there, I would have missed THIS. This is what God had planned for me!”
I’ve told God I don’t understand but I trust. I trust Him. I know He has a plan and if I follow His instruction, I will be blessed beyond anything I could do for myself. I have found my joy in that these last few weeks and especially last week when I was told this coming Friday would be my last day.
Who gets happy about that? I do! I have joy in it because I TRUST and KNOW that God has something great coming for me that will fulfill the desires of my heart – to be able to write full time and work in our ministry full time. Being told Friday would be my last day puts me one step closer to what God has for me! Who wouldn’t be excited about that?
Will the next season be another stepping stone towards those heart desires or will I be able to do those things next? I don’t know but I trust God. I trust He knows what I need and when I need it.
Yesterday, driving that familiar back road, I was reminded of what He did a few weeks ago and I could not remember the song or what I heard on the radio. I was aggravated that I couldn’t even remember the song lyrics or what it sounded like. It was a defining moment in this walk and I couldn’t remember anything except I heard a song, God spoke to my heart and the radio station freaked out and jumped back and forth. I couldn’t even remember what it was that I heard when the station switched and the man was talking and I know it was important.
I knew I had journaled about it but I have no idea what journal I put it in or if it was something I typed up and saved on a random thumb driver or did I text it to myself? No clue where I recorded it. For all I know, I’ve already blogged about this. I got to work though and completely forgot about it until this morning.
Today I was driving in to work and as I started down that back road, the song came on the radio and I immediately recognized it. I smiled and thanked God for it. It was perfect timing. He always has perfect timing and I can always trust in that.
I still can’t remember what the spoken word was but I’ll be reminded at the moment I need to be.
I am so excited about the next season in our lives. My husband and I have been walking a tight-rope of faith for the last few months and we are almost across this gorge. I don’t want to wait until I get to Heaven to hear God say, “Well done my good and faithful servant,” I want to hear him say it now. I want to be faithful in our walk now. I want my Heaven here on Earth. I want God to smack me in the face when I need it. I want Him to be a light at my feet and direct my ways.
I love God. I love Jesus. I love the Holy Spirit. I love everything about God. His grace, His mercy, His comfort, His peace, His compassion, His direction, His correction, His guidance…it all makes up who I am because He is the great I Am. This world is like a giant boxing ring sometimes and I like having Him in my corner.
Matthew 25:23 (KJV)
His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.