I am 15 weeks pregnant and have known since week 7.
For these last two months, I haven’t done much writing or blogging, or anything for that matter besides sleeping, eating and crying. Amazing what pregnant women will cry over.
I have been consumed with all things pregnancy and baby related. I have had to emotionally adjust to this surprise in our life. I have been overwhelmed with all the immediate changes that positive test result brought. Researching all the necessities we will need for a newborn and getting a registry put together has consumed the little bit of time I’ve been awake and had energy to do it.
My energy seems to be coming back. I still sleep more than I used to but when I am awake, I feel like I have more energy so that’s good.
When I started this blog, God put it in my heart to simply write about Everyday Christian Living. That means the ups, the downs, the real things we deal with as Christians, which are not unlike the things non-believers deal with, and to show a testimony of who He is in every situation.
This is the season I am in and I would almost bet most of my posts going forward will deal with adjusting to parenthood in some form or fashion. Every choice and decision my husband and I make now revolve around this new life that we have been gifted with.
God instructed me to be transparent in what I share because that is how testimony works…people relate. Truth is what sets people free.
The first month after we found out, my thoughts were consumed with fear and doubt. I am a believer and I know better but that didn’t stop the attack of the enemy. That is where fear and doubt comes from, not from God. I was in a spiritual battle and am just now coming out of that phase. Only my husband knows, somewhat, of what I was going through.
The first few weeks I was terrified that this was it. This is my last call. To birth a child and die. Sounds crazy when I type it out and read it but like I said, transparency. I’m considered high risk because of my age (38) which I know, everyone says that’s not that old, but when you go to the doctor and they want to run all sorts of tests because you are “high risk” and then you start reading things on the internet, which only fuels the terror, things don’t look that bright.
I had to counter those thoughts and suggestions with the Word. I had to remind myself constantly of how good God is. I had to seek His Word and attack those thoughts with scripture. It sounds easy but for anyone who has been through it, you know the amount of effort it takes to fight those wrong thoughts some days. There are times where you feel like you are losing the battle no matter how hard you try.
I found myself becoming angry with God because it seemed like everything was getting worse and not better – emotionally, mentally, financially. When something came along that looked like a bright spot, the rug was pulled out from under us, so to speak. I was becoming angry with Him because I didn’t understand. At the end of 2016 I heard in my spirit that 2017 would be our year of jubilee and that word was confirmed more than once over the course of a few months. This year has slowly been draining us of everything.
I still don’t understand but I knew being angry with God wouldn’t get me anywhere. It didn’t get me anywhere as a teenager and it didn’t Jonah anywhere except puked up by a big fish…and that was the last thing I was wanting.
So I had it out with God one morning. Yep, put it all out there. He knew anyways because He knows our hearts but I went boldly into His Court. I told Him I was angry with Him but I didn’t want to be. I told Him I didn’t understand anything that was going on and I needed direction. I told Him how frustrated I was, how tired I was, how empty I felt, how scared I was, how terrified and afraid I felt. I told Him I felt like He had abandoned me. Then I repented, knew I was forgiven, and moved forward in my talk with Him.
I told Him the one thing I did understand is all of those things were “feelings”. The enemy will attack us and our feelings. If he can get us feeling bad, he can get us thinking bad. So once I put all that on the table I told Him, “I know these are things I have been feeling and thinking but I know Your Word. I know what it says” –
- I am redeemed (Psalm 49:15)
- I am made righteousness in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21)
- He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5)
- He will ALWAYS provide (Psalm 107:9, Matthew 6:31-32)
- His ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8-13)
- His thoughts are higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-13)
- We pay our tithes and give an offering according to the Word. This means we live according to God’s laws, not man. His laws operate in our lives so His Word must be proved true in our lives (Malachi 3:10)
- His Word never returns to Him void (Isaiah 55:8-13)
- Things of this earth are temporary. Abundance and lack are both temporary in the earthly realm (2 Corinthians 4:18)
- I can have Heaven on Earth (Matthew 6:10)
- He makes a way, every time (Isaiah 43:16)
- He is Holy and Just (1 Peter 1:16, 1 John 1:9)
- He is faithful (1 Corinthians 1:9)
- His Word is true and He is not man that He can lie (Numbers 23:19)
- He is a good Father who only gives good gifts (Matthew 7:11)
- I have been given the same promises Abraham was given (Galatians 3:29)
- He will do a new thing so stop looking to the past (Isaiah 43:19)
The Word tells us we don’t fight against flesh, we fight against principalities and powers (Ephesians 6:12). The Word is of the Spirit. The Word will always overcome but we must know what it says to go into battle.
The night after I had this conversation with God, He gave me a dream. I don’t typically share my dreams publicly but this one is okay to share as it relates to this journey.
I was standing in an empty dining room. There was a long table with chairs around it and a chandelier above, nothing else. There were two doorways into the room. The door straight ahead of me led to a mud room of sorts with a screen door going outside. It was dusk. I looked down and a black snake had entered the dining room. I was afraid at first and didn’t know what to do. I remember jumping up on the table to get away from the snake, trying to figure out what to do. I looked around to see if there was something I could kill it with and there was nothing. I kept watching the snake and I recall it was very slow-moving in the sense that it was carefully calculating its every move.
I looked around again and in the corner behind me was a broom. A simple kitchen broom. I jumped off the table and grabbed the broom, turned around to face the snake and started hitting it with the handle end of the broom at the base of its skull.
This may sound a little gory but I am just relaying what I dreamed. I remember thinking to myself, “This is ridiculous, I’m going to kill a snake with a broom?”
I kept hitting it in the same spot over and over until I decapitated it. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t terrified. I knew as soon as I had the broom that the battle was over…and then it was.
It was the serpant that decieved Eve. It was the serpant that God cursed to crawl on his belly and eat dust all of his days. In other words, God made him a worm. That’s all the enemy is, a worm. The only thing he can do to us is get us thinking incorrectly, he has no other power. This is why the Word tells us to put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18).
I knew when I woke that morning, this victory is mine. This season we are in that appears in the flesh as lacking in all things, is not what it appears to be. God has a plan. He has His ways and they are greater than anything I can imagine. I tell myself every day and believe with my whole heart, He would not send us this miracle child without having a plan and provision in place. I’ve said many times, God is an on-time God. He is never early and never late, always on time. That is where our frustration comes in because we can’t always see His “on-time” since, as humans, we like to be prepared and early.
I repented for my anger towards Him. I asked for direction. I heard in my spirit to study the book of Job again but this time as I do, to incorporate Ecclesiastes with it. I thought that was odd and before I started, did not see how the two books would relate to one another.
I divided it up to where I have been reading 3 chapters at a time from Job and 1 chapter from Ecclesiastes. For example, the first day was Job 1-3 and Ecclesiastes 1. The second day was Job 4-6 and Ecclesiastes 2, and so on.
It is amazing the things of God that have been revealed to me in doing so. If you are so inclined, have a go at it.
The “bad” thoughts still come, as they always will, because the enemy never gives up and we must be vigilant. When they do, we have defense. We have gear to battle those thoughts. It’s the Word of God. It’s His Truth. It wins every time.
We must understand though, a battle is a battle. It takes place. It takes time. It takes strategy. It takes determination. It takes winning. It takes victory. If we know from the beginning that we already have the Victory, we can never lose.
Isaiah 55:8-13 (KJV)
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
12 For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the fir tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree: and it shall be to the Lord for a name, for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.